My mum was a big believer in having a passion. A love. A bliss.
Before she died she wrote a book called ‘Make Your Bed and Lie In It’. She had written many books in her lifetime but this was written in the years after her breast cancer was discovered and she lovingly had it printed and bound for the all the women in her life. My strongest memory of this book was having just started working at the printing company that 13 years on I still work at. Part of my job is to bind and when she came home with this book that she was so proud of, I proceeded to tell her that the coil on it was too small. I was 19 and thought I knew it all and for some reason, I just couldn’t let it go. It really upset her and to this day I still feel absolutely terrible for making a big deal over something so minor when it was something so important to her and something that she had put her heart and soul into. Isn’t it funny the things that we remember? I get teary just thinking about it now and how naive I was to only be worried about something as silly as a binding coil that made it hard to turn pages when she had spent months pouring her heart into writing it.
The reason I share this story with you is that I want to do her proud and I want to share with the world her wisdom and writings. I truly believe that in doing so it will be a healing and learning experience for me and it will be a tribute to the beautiful talented woman she was. And because I have yet to find my own bliss.
Once upon a time I was a writer. I guess you could say I still am in some respects but after her death I stopped many of the things I loved to do. I once was a painter. A poet. An aspiring novelist. Then she died. I lost myself in other distractions. First came my new boyfriend. Then came a proposal. A trip to Europe. Wedding planning. A wedding. A first home. The prospect and excitement of starting a family. Infertility. IVF. A long awaited pregnancy. A baby boy. A surprise pregnancy. Another baby boy.
But who am I now? Other than mother and wife. A year and a half on and I feel the strongest desire to find my own bliss.
Too many people feel they need to ask,
What has the world given me?
But they should be asking,
What have I given the world;
And if you have given generously of yourself,
If you have contributed things of value and beauty,
You shouldn’t need to question how fulfilling your life has been.
You will be blessed with riches.
Since the birth of the idea to start writing a new blog I have evolved in my original plan of writing a more ‘traditional’ mummy blog to writing from the heart, whatever that may be about. To collaborating with my mum to create and write something a little different. I will of course write about motherhood and my boys but it will also be a blog about discovering who I am after all this time and finding my ‘bliss’. Perhaps a chance to pour out my own heart and soul the way that she did in writing her book. To grieve. To remember.
Maybe it will also help you to find yours.